2/15 Two things I have explored with the Jeep so far: One is the boundary between the City of Newburgh and New Windsor, the former being +50 Democrat and the latter +0.7 Republican in the last election. As if to manifest it, there’s a railway underpass on a street that connects these two districts, and this underpass has been closed for repairs, and it’s already been two years that it’s closed, and nobody seems to make any attempt to get going with it. The underpass is a no man’s land, blocked by construction fences. 

Also, I’m curious about places for stargazing. There is supposed to be one 45 minutes from here, but honestly: within a range of 45 minutes, there is not a single place free of trees where you could see any significant portion of the sky? And there very well might not be, at least not on any public land. Having got to the place, I did not see any free area, it was all just trees everywhere. You probably need a bit of a hike to get into any open space. – I did find, on the computer, a well-documented site that is deep in the Catskills, two hours from here, of which the Mid Hudson Astronomical Association says that east of the Mississippi, you’d have to travel to remote sections of the Adirondacks or to northern Maine to find anything darker.

2/14 Awe, or rather: shock about the borders between urban and rural, because nothing seems to express, prove, embody the predicament we’re in more clearly. Similar to the iron curtain a few decades ago. And between urban and rural is where I’m currently stretched out. It takes my breath away every time, even just how I change from one kind of clothing into the other, without being able to resist, one makes no sense in the other.

2/13 For the longest time I thought that my stumble into religious fundamentalism as a teenager was an embarrassing detail, something so removed from the actual world that you’d rather wish nobody ever knew about it, but it turns out it’s basically the subject of the news, all of the time.

Feels like I’ve been gone from the city for years. Including the routine nod of the door man and building manager as I show up in the lobby after my absence. Similar to when I was moved out of this building – yes, it was this very building – on a stretcher and into an ambulance, nobody ever said a word about it. They did introduce Hot Chocolate Thursdays though.

2/12 Drove into the city to spend a few days here. Mostly to get my hair cut. And because J is in Vermont so it’s not quite clear where my place is – alone in Newburgh or alone in the city. Set up the automatic cat feeder for three days.

These worlds I traveled through today – just a regular workday at the dining room table, and 61 miles along the Palisades Parkway, across the GWB and into Manhattan, and my apartment, with the tea lights and the Clavinova I haven’t touched in about a month, and the homeless guy in front of Barzini’s whom I gave 20 bucks because I’d been away so long – all of this is way more than any human mind can handle. What does it mean when we can never keep track of ourselves? Our minds are a hundred thousands years behind.

2/11 Remembering how I used to drive on the Berlin Stadtautobahn in my Volvo, in the evenings, at night, back and forth a couple of times between Charlottenburg and Tempelhof. I haven’t found a route like that here, yet. The requirements are quite different here, in a small town.

2/10 I was about 95% sure she’d be okay with that story of yesterday. She was.

2/9 Tonight would have been a great night to use the walkie-talkies again, as we drove home from 21 Burgers in Wappingers Falls in our separate Jeeps. We had so much fun with it last week, when we did it for the first time, and told each other how beautiful our Jeeps looked in our rear view mirrors.

But her walkie-talkie wasn’t charged. They last four days on a charge, and they don’t turn themselves off. You have to remember to turn them off, and keep them charged, so you can use them when the occasion arises. I had no doubt she wouldn’t remember – neither to turn hers off when we got home, nor to keep it charged. And so it was. 

I wondered what I could do to bring the walkie-talkie fun back. I realized talking about it, or reminding her, would never work. She’s running a business and manages the logistics of teaching hundreds of kids, but the walkie-talkie she’d never remember. And so I asked, in sincere love, whether she’d want me to charge her walkie-talkie. And with the most wonderful smile she said yes.

2/8 Super Bowl. Finally able to discuss the rules with someone who knows them all, with AI.

Finding it very hard to take books written before 2024 or even 2016 seriously. There is a heavy curtain separating us from those times.

2/7 Taking the car for rides to clear my mind. Following the sunset, it will be the coldest night of the year. Turning around where fierce wind gusts stir up wisps of snow and shake the car.

2/6 I have not read a book in months.