2/25 When giving Link pets, I have started to disassemble and reassemble him. He submits to that treatment with the greatest surprise and overwhelm. Never in his life of PTSD has he allowed anything so close to himself. It seems that because of this, in the rest of the day, he now lies down entirely unbothered and flatly extended, the first time in fifteen years he’s not on constant alarm and ready to run.
2/24 That hateful, gloating, grimacing face is us.
2/23 Any single requirement of this week – my work schedule, the trip to Sweden, construction in the house – would be enough to wreck my ability to do anything; their combination plainly scares me. Most astonishing: J does not think that I’m lazy.
2/22 I’m an AI, not a physiotherapist, says Claude after diagnosing my brachioradialis strain in greater detail than most therapists ever would, and in a funny Star Trek reference which I’m not sure it’s aware of.
2/21 I am considered caring and helpful by my wife, but honestly, I only do the easy things. It is easy for me to move things from A to B, but I would freeze in despair if I had to decide what to move from A to B. That is what J takes care of, and she’s really good at it.
2/20 Even though it had been one and a half weeks since my last lesson with Chris, I had to admit I’d only practiced the 2-5-1s in a pattern that goes through all twelve keys, and further labored to get through The Girl from Ipanema, just to prove to myself that I can indeed do it. And I can. Had to realize though that in order to get more fluent with chords, the cadence drill is not the most helpful. I just start memorizing it. Flashcards would be better, but in truth: Songs are even better flashcards, because the chords come in logical sequences. So back to songs, songs, songs. But Beautiful and Angel Eyes this time around.
2/19 Driving Jeeps together is a bit like dancing. Otherwise, low day. Grey, the snow getting dirty and hardening like molten sugar.
One of her kids asked J today: Are you famous? Such a quintessential American question. From a German standpoint, I would obviously answer: Well, if you don’t know me, I’m clearly not famous. In America, though, everybody seems to grow up with the idea that there are regions of fame you have absolutely no idea of.
2/18 The oversized pickup is the flip side of the desire of women for men taller than six feet.
Temperature not quite as high as yesterday, but rain all day. We got a dumpster in front of the house, as we need to get rid of as much stuff as we can before the construction workers come to replace the central beam in our living room. A 10-yard dumpster was the smallest size they had, and I was in shock about it until I realized that this means 10 cubic yards. To make an area for it to be dropped on, I removed a stretch of the large remaining snow wall in front of the house, partly by shoveling snow elsewhere, and partly by driving over it with the Jeep, back and forth many times.
2/17 First strong snowmelt, murmuring water everywhere. Temperatures up to fifty degrees.
Most of the folks in my customer meetings never turn on their camera. For long months I turned on mine nonetheless – I imagined being the only one showing himself would give me some kind of authority bonus. By now I only show myself briefly at the beginning of meetings, then I also turn my camera off, because I can only stand most of these meetings if I pace up and down during them.
2/16 While talking to my son, who has no friends, and is not particularly sad about it, I suddenly remembered that exhilarating feeling when I had found, for the first time, somebody I could talk with for hours, forever. Up until that point, I did not know any such thing existed. I have no records from that time, but I can date things fairly accurately from the release dates of music back then. Once again: It is unbelievable just how far away these times are. And how fragile my memory, their only connection to reality.