October 20. I wonder if the loss of physical form due to a few days off from training can be compared to practicing the piano. Right now, the metronome seems to be dropping as relentlessly as my performance curve.
Climate activism: it’s not about solutions, it’s about the feeling of being among the good guys, and marking the others as the bad guys.
October 19. It’s about making the world larger – in art, in science. Is that a universally accepted goal? Can it not be undermined, is it not questionable?
October 18. Flaming autumn outside the windows, applause from the participants. Return flight, upgrade to first class. Writing class in the evening.
October 17. I slept four hours before I left this morning. But in those four hours I woke up every half hour, anxiously checking what time it would be, and being half relieved, half dismayed when it was only two, for example.
Mysterious Boston. I thought I was in the middle of the MIT campus here, which would have explained why it felt so oddly like a factory campus. But this isn’t MIT. It’s like they forgot a factor in a city simulation that normally makes any place where people live feel kind of natural, but this isn’t a simulation, and yet something is missing. Too few people in the streets. Too few lights in the houses. The houses - brick - too sterile.
October 16. I wish I were a mathematician who knew that he could calculate everything except 2+2. And whenever 2+2 came up, he would hold back and say: I can’t do that, someone else has to do it, I am out for this task. It’s not a big limitation, you just have to know that it’s there.
October 15. We were at an expensive restaurant in Midtown. The waitress was robotic, a DJane mixed crazy music, and employees with plastic spiral cables on their ears walked around. I felt worse and worse. It was like every possible thought was being sucked out of me. Some kind of depression attack. I don’t think I have very much to say anyway. I’m an utterly boring person to talk to. But when my brain seems to freeze so completely, it’s especially scary because I can’t imagine ever getting out of it either. After all, it’s not in my control.
I ended up just looking at the table, and J got angry about it after we paid. At least that gave me something to work on. It helped me get out of the dead spot.
J is convinced that I am at least partially on the autistic spectrum. I don’t grasp certain social cues and, even when I do, I am unable to respond to them appropriately. However, I wish I could know my deficits better and be less clueless when these situations arise.
On my sofa, everything was well again quickly. But I was strangely exhausted by it all. It’s like having a seizure, only conscious.
October 14. Those who are still wearing masks now are, for the most part, wearing the weak surgical masks. Which means their reasons are completely unclear to me.
Learned in the last minutes of Friday afternoon that I am needed in Boston Monday and Tuesday. Booked everything in a rush. Not used to that anymore.
October 13. Buried myself in music. Always amazing how many different channels I learn on. Four apps at the same time, plus videos from all sorts of people. It used to be almost impossible to get a single teacher. Now I have a dozen.
October 12. Perplexed.
October 11. Work day, six hours talking for the customer. Ran. Writers Studio in the evening.