4/23 My mind has always worked the same – this general state of emptiness, poverty, and my desperation about it, interrupted by bouts of meaning and creativity, which I cannot voluntarily initiate, and which grip me so much that I’m unable to even realize what is happening. All of this, the lows and the highs of the intensity, are the same as they were decades ago. I did not at any point become a richer, more capable person. Yes, I did learn some things, yes, I did get more used to myself. But none of that changed who I am in any fundamental way.