October 31. Following up on the Halloween party, it’s hard for me to say how similar it was to a normal evening at this karaoke bar. I’ve never been to a bar like that. I found it confusing that there were huge monitors above the stage, with sports broadcasts and the normal ABC news program playing the entire time. We waited a good hour for the karaoke to start.

I have rarely felt so helpless while being so okay with it. I wouldn’t understand the baseball and football games on the screens, and not just because I can’t remember the rules despite repeated explanations. I lack something in my brain for such games. And that’s okay, I don’t need to panic or self-doubt. I would not know many of the songs that would be sung later. I would only be able to pull off very awkward social interactions with people and not understand a lot of what they would say in the loud bar and have to follow-up many times. I feel more and more autistic in such contexts. I definitely notice that something very natural doesn’t work for me, but that’s all I understand.

It helped me to realize that and not want to change it. J dared and sang first, even though she didn’t know the place at all and Chasing Pavements by Adele was not an easy choice for her. I didn’t expect how much everything would turn into a collective roar as the bar got fuller. I knew almost all the songs, we were drunk and laughed and danced and took funny selfies.

What happens on Halloween, stays on Halloween. When I wanted to leave, several men very emphatically wanted to know if J was already taken. As I was paying, an extremely handsome man stood with us and wanted to buy us another drink. I said no and he came outside with us. We could have easily taken him with us, and I was annoyed that I was so inflexible and plain scared. “You wouldn’t be able to do that” J told me later when we were back home.