September 15. I may by now know the shock of seeing something I used to see with my children and now will never see with them again – identified and understood how to deal with it. Unfortunately, the feelings don’t care, they just come back with the exact same intensity, the exact same pain, and it’s unclear how long it will take for that insidious pain to stop. And what purpose does it serve? What mechanism that would have helped me raise my children well is now running on empty, producing phantom pain?

It should be noted that even on the return flight, no one really wanted to see my covid test, which I had taken fifteen hours before departure. I only had to fill out an attestation form on which I confirmed with a check mark that I had taken a negative test. But then even that attestation no one wanted to see at JFK. My Global Entry still works. I wondered, as always, if I had to put my German passport or my Green Card on the machine, and probably, as always, would have put the wrong document on first. But this machine was new and it only wanted to see my face. When it recognized me, it printed out a receipt with my name, date of birth, citizenship and flight number. I gave it to a border guard and was waved through.