April 15. Is there anyone at all whose fear level is linked to probabilities? If you think in terms of probabilities, you shouldn’t really be afraid of anything, not even highly probable events. One would accept them, one would expect them with certainty. Fear is another dimension. One is frightened or not.

I am not unafraid of something because it is unlikely. I don’t start being afraid when it becomes more probable. And again: Nossack, to whom the burglar said to raise his hands, and Nossack, who answered: No, I won’t do that.

What am I afraid of? For example, I demonstrably can’t manage to walk on the glass panels in the Willis Tower in Chicago, which stick out freely into the air. A bunch of – how do you say – young people, twenty-year-olds had sat down on the glass panels and were talking to each other like around a campfire.

I’m not afraid for my children, but I would give my life for them in a heartbeat. I would throw myself in front of a Subway and lift them back onto the platform, I just hope I would react fast enough. I sometimes imagine myself watching unconcerned for a stupefied second, when that second would have been enough to do something. That’s what I’m afraid of.

Am I afraid of making a fool of myself, afraid that all my readers will leave? Obviously, because I fight against this fear with every entry.

And once again, Nossack. I’ve noticed more than once in the last few weeks that I’ve left the door to the apartment open. I had flipped the lever on the lock so I wouldn’t need a key when I came back from taking out the trash, and then forgot to flip the lever again. On second thought, I’d say I don’t care if anyone comes in here either, just like I don’t close curtains anymore. But then I had a nightmare where suddenly someone was in my apartment. Just like that, sitting somewhere and not saying anything. That was pure horror.